Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! To help you get in the mood, Gdaz93 demonstrates the art of the pick-up line.

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  • Marianne Ekren

    All I can say is; wat?

  • http://profiles.google.com/etchainer Etchainer Bethune

    This message is bizarrely schizophrenic. It’s like, “I’m going to make sweet, tender love to you IN YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES.”

  • Anonymous

    That is exactly how I felt when reading them. I tried over and over again and couldn’t figure out how it’s supposed to be read. I finally settled on a “smooth, romantic” voice in my head, mostly for hilarity.

  • http://twitter.com/Super_Widget Joanna

    Not my roast beef!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lucanmonks Lucan Monks

    Aw… bless… it’s trying to flirt…so cyute! 

  • Anonymous

    Hide the roast beef!

  • http://twitter.com/icy_wing Iggy

    I…. what?

  • Anonymous

    Hmm, something about that pic makes me think of Strong Bad reading this.

    I wonder what he was doing for 7 minutes between the third and fourth messages?

    Also, I don’t understand the logic of the first message…is sleeping with one eye open his bane?  If you see him, does he disappear?  Or is one-eyed observation necessary to his cooter-dominating?  Or just a strange fetish?

  • http://www.justplainsomething.com JustPlainSomething

    OK, regular commenters know that I can usually crack a joke about the posts, but this one is actually a little terrifying. Maybe it doesn’t help that I chose to read Chris Brown’s police report from 2009 tonight, but I would be legitimately freaked out by something like this, even though I know the likelihood of a random Xbox troll finding my house is slim. I really hope the submitter sent this in to the mods so this guy can be banned already.

  • http://www.justplainsomething.com JustPlainSomething

    Unfortunately, I think the subtext here is, “Sleep with one eye open because I totally going to try and rape you,” which is disturbing on so many levels.

  • Anonymous

    “Disturbing” is putting it mildly…I prefer to think of all these morons as teenagers sitting in their parents’ basement, venting their nerd rage at getting their ass handed to them in a video game (by a girl, no less), rather than true sociopaths/criminals using gaming as a bait for their victims.  While bullying and intimidation are no light affairs, I – perhaps wrongly – don’t imagine most of the threats of physical violence or sexual assault come to fruition, or even have any true intent other than scaring the person away from playing that game against that person again (a/k/a Sore Loser Syndrome).

    Which says something in itself.  Or a whole lot of somethings.

    I think you’ve hit upon a swell idea in your previous comment – finding a random XBox user’s house is (I sure as hell hope) difficult, but I’ve long thought it would be an effective deterrent to have a way for law enforcement (or similar) to access that information.  Some guy sends out a violent threat, and within, say, five minutes he gets a knock on the door from an officer holding a copy of his message, asking “Did you just threaten to…ahem, come to this girl’s house and dominate her cooter?  We have a few additional questions for you.”  (Throttle from the “Any More Would Be Uncivilized” thread would be an excellent contender for a house call.)

    The logistics might be tricky, but it’d be comforting to have a “This seriously isn’t cool” button that would bring a little reality to the bullies absorbed in their digital worlds, and a little peace of mind when taunts and insults turn into serious threats.

  • wiwille

    Actually, if you report online harrassement and threats to the authorities, they can contact MS directly and they’ll work with them to find out where exactly the instigator of the threat is, and to gather enough evidence to prosecute, which in this case may be a slam dunk. Although a judge may logically be confused about the ‘roast beef’ comment

    That being said these cases are hard to prosecute as the defendant can say “I wasn’t using it at the time, my friend did, who lives in Canada,” or something.

    Still I would encourage anyone who’ve been threatened physical harm to do this.

    Granted, these are most likely kids and won’t face much of a sentence, but still it would send a message to at least shut up one of these jerks. 

  • http://fakeagainstthemachine.tumblr.com fake_off

    God. Please just tell me this asshole is both banned and blocked. I’ll be on the lookout for this asshole on the account suspension forum with a hopeful eye.

  • Anonymous

    I agree.  I was laughing at the phrase “dominate yor cooter”, until I read the rape allusion.  And the fact that it was implicit makes it worse than if he were just spewing the same ol’ impotent explicit threats of rape.

  • http://twitter.com/nozomi429 Nozomi

    What’s messed up, is that normal bullying, though still a big deal, hardly reaches sexual threats of rape. When you are bullied and it alludes to rape (or actual threat of violence), that’s when you need to report it. That’s when you’re really scared.

    However, on Xbox/PS3/etc., alluding to rape is completely normal in terms of bullying behavior. It’s ridiculous.

  • http://twitter.com/Boogerghost Kris

    I can’t decide if the potential Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference makes it more or less creepy:


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